Resilience, Self-Esteem, & Assuredness
Does this man look like he CARES if you have any of those?
That’s RIGHT! No damn way!
But he does KNOW what you need!
How does he know what he KNOWS?
He LIVED it!
And this is how CHRIS ZELL discovered what he’s chomping at the bit to share with YOU!
I was with a friend (who shall remain nameless, but his initials are Herbert J. Tubmaster) and he placed one of those expensive motivational tapes into his cars cassette deck. Now, being a fairly polite person, I sat there and listened to the entire tape. Well, actually I listened to the tape because I figured I couldn’t kill Herb, rip the tape from the deck and gain control of the car before crashing into on coming traffic.
Before I slipped into a zombie like trance (’I will be more assertive and wish a billion dollars to land in my lap,’ was the mantra this guy wanted me to repeat ad infinitum) I looked at Herb, who was glowing from the rush of being an obvious believer, and said,
“You really believe in this stuff? How much did you pay for this crap? Hey, why are you pulling to the side of the road and opening my door?” Let me give you some advice when traveling in another persons car, don’t insult them or their motivational tape if you’re more than a few miles from home.
During the long walk home I had plenty of time to think. What the world needs today is true guidance. A vision to lead them into the future. Another really good Adam Sandler movie. But there’s nothing I can do about any of those things.
But I can lend my knowledge and experience to others. But not the meaningless promises that are offered in those so called self-help tapes. I could impart wisdom that is necessary in these times of peril. Cover topics that matter to people like us. People who care about their lives, but understand that shit happens and then the rents due.
After I soaked my sore and tired feet for a couple of hours, I began my research. I started to pour over the books in my vast library but the beer only made the pages sticky. So I decided to do what every diligent researcher does, called some friends and invited them over.
My test group was made up of people from every walk of life and economic strata. We covered subjects that mattered to the average human. We laughed, one cried (boy did we make fun of that wimp) but in the end we knew our list of topics was truly in touch with the public at large.
Overcoming Peace Of Mind
Ego Enhancement Through Violence
Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense And Ostentation
Self Realization Through Napping
And many, many more
Once our list was complete we went through the arduous task of solving these and many other problems that plague us all. As our journey of discovery wound down we had one last meeting (we were all pretty sick of each other by then) and everyone was confident that The $7.98 Anti-Motivational Tape Series (it was either that name or You Know Where To Stick It, I think we made a good choice) was THE product to guide and help all of humanity (as long as they own a cassette deck – we are working on a mind meld version as you read this).
Well, now that you know the touching and heartwarming story behind the birth of The $7.98 Anti-Motivational Tape Series and can see the obvious benefits of owning the entire collection, why don’t you peruse the list below and see how The $7.98 Anti-Motivational Tape Series can solve the pressing problems in your life. Order a dozen. They make tremendous gifts for the hard of hearing.
Let us know if there are pressing problems in your life you would like the geniuses at The $7.98 Anti-Motivational Tape Series to tackle (we’re adding new tapes almost daily, look there’s another one) contact us by any of the methods of communication found in other portions of this informative website.
$7.98 Anti-Motivational Tapes
How to magnify all your petty problems
Overcoming Peace Of Mind
Just when you thought it was safe to be happy
Ego Enhancement Through Violence
Pound your way to happiness
Be depressed about things you don’t even understand
Whine Your Way To Alienation
Make your enduring trait annoying
Overcome Self Doubt Through Pretense And Ostentation
Buy useless items until you like yourself or go broke
The Underachievers Guide To Life
How to do nothing and love the results
Self-Realization Through Napping
Learn to love yourself and become well rested
Do You Want To Make More Money?
And not have to deal with their MLM? You’ll deal with ours!
How To Be Rich And Still Have No Friends
Make even the slimiest suck-up artist run away
What Your Cat Really Says About You
Major Breakthrough! Cat to English translation
Lose Your Mind And Be Done With It
Finally, good riddance to bad rubbish
Don’t Let Intelligence Get In Your Way
You have a right to act stupid
Get To Know The Child In You
Permission to never grow up
You Are A Force Of Nature
You just haven’t sprouted yet
Just Because you’re Paranoid,
Doesn’t Mean They’re Not Out To Get You
Turning Your Bad Hair Days Into An Advantage
Frightening children for fun and profit
Building Enthusiasm For Mundane Tasks
Making your life less miserable
Delusions: A True Friend
Don’t let facts get in the way of a lasting friendship
Rationalize Your Way To Happiness
Don’t let reality get in the way of true happiness
Well, maybe you’ll just get pretty good at it
Make A Zillion Dollars And Never Get Out Of Bed
The downfall of insurance scams
Leave Your Loved One At The Altar
And still come home with the gifts
How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You
Where to turn when all else fails
Guilt Free Weight Gain
Eat your way to an entirely new wardrobe
Make Your First Million
Using your belly button lint for collateral
Tell Your Boss Off And Keep Your Job
1001 great places to hide incriminating photographs
Find Out The Exact Amount
Of Wood A Woodchuck Could Chuck
If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood
Dance Your Way To Humiliation
Don’t let rhythm get in the way of expressing yourself
Get Into Recycling
Start dating old lovers
If All Babies Are Smart and Cute
Where Do All The Stupid And Ugly People Come From?
Breaking-Up – The Emotional Equivalent Of A Bikini Wax
It hurts like hell but in the end its all for the best
Is Sex Important?
If so, why do we wait until it’s so late at night to start?
How To Tell Your Therapy Is Coming To An End
Your therapist buys a house in Aspen
Use Your Friends Like An ATM
Push their buttons to get what you want
Your bodies way of saying hubba hubba
Love: A Burst Of Sunshine In Your Life
And you know how bad the sun is for you
What To Do When All Else Fails
Quit. What are you? Some kind of masochist?
Owner Operated vs. Friendly Takeover
Which sex life is best suited for you?
How You Can Bore Total Strangers To Tears
How to be yourself in public
Speeches to Business, School, Community, Parent Organizations,
and Stripper Groups
Chris is available to speak on these and many other subjects at painful length to business, schools, community, parent organizations, stripper groups or anyone else who needs his wisdom and foresight. He has motivational recitations on the above and these newly added gems:
Making Fun Of People Who Use A Credit Card To Pay A $3 Bill
Letting You Know How You Really Look In This Light
Unmotivated Working – Right Or Privilege?
Angry Youth: Strategies For Fostering Dismay, Disillusionment, And Dissent
Creating A Positive Role Model Of Charles Manson
Touching A Student’s Mind And Heart: The Mindset Of An Ex-Teacher
Nurturing Hope In Children With. . .Ah, Fuck It, It’s Impossible These Days