I’m not the kind of person who tells animal stories. I’m a firm believer that, no matter how great your animals are (and, of course, mine are the greatest), they are of little interest to anyone but yourself.

Nothing incites me to action quicker than someone telling me that little Mittens did the cutest thing with his tongue unless it’s sticking it in a light socket.

No offense but the only thing I’ve ever seen little Mittens do was things I would not even print here.

But I know people have to tell stories so I have some. Like the time someone asked me how I liked having an exes cats in the house. I said it was fine but I didn’t trust them so stapled them to the floor before leaving the house.

Or the time I worked from home and would put a lizard on my shoulder. It liked it and he had some great plot ideas. One day I answered the door not giving a second thought to the lizard and have never seen Jehovahs Witnesses run from a doorstep quicker.

Or the time it was a very bad day. A friend of mine called to tell me a car crashed into his house yet none of his neighbors saw anything; another was taken off the air at a radio station; and then I got home.

I walk into the house, unstaple the cats, and make a phone call to the station. While I’m on hold I noticed something weird. When my friend got on the line I told him it was a horrible thing they were doing but that I’d call him over the weekend.

“I think I have a dead cat.”

Sure enough.

Now I have to wait until the ex gets home. So I’m sitting at a table drinking a beer looking at a dead cat. When she pulls into the driveway I meet her and say,

“Speckle’s dead.”

I’m kind of a ‘get right to it’ guy.

She freaks out, thinks I had something to do with it (to clarify, I never once actually stapled a cat to anything. That would hurt. I used duct tape), thinks someone broke in and did something to it, all those things but, none of it was true.

She wants to bury it so we have to do something with it because we can’t get to her parents for a few days. So I clean out the freezer and put the cat in there. For that entire weekend when friends would come over they wouldn’t believe there was a cat in the freezer so just had to see the Speckcicle.

Just the other day I got another story. To get it out of the way, yes, I talk to the cats. I often find it some of the more riveting conversations I have during my day.

I’m talking to Brutus who is doing what he does mostly during these times (stare at me with that ‘You know, I don’t speak English, right?’ look). Ignoring that (because I think he does but doesn’t want me to know) I said,

“And what about your brother? Bundeschwager is such a good boy, huh? You like playing with him, huh?” I think asking them questions they’ll never answer is some type of Zen journey.

“And you remember Nuts, huh? You remember your sister Nuts, right?”

“Meh!” Brutus states unequivocally.

“Oh, yeah, that’s right. She wasn’t your sister. You were fucking her so that would be wrong.


15 responses to “Cats

  1. So, when will you be lobbying the Tiffany Network for equal time after their much anticipated show on July 10th, “The World’s Greatest Dog” ?

    Seems only fair, right ?

  2. Damn straight, Skippy!

  3. man i am once again reminded why i like reading this blog.

  4. Makes you look normal?

  5. My Bella just did the cutest thing! Let me tell you about it…what?…oh, ok…never mind. :-/

  6. I like the part about scaring away the Jehovah’s Witnesses with a lizard on your shoulder–I’m picturing a medium to large sized lizard, brown mottled and scaly skin, and flicking out it’s tongue toward the offending doorbell ringers.

    My ex-hubby used to answer the door with a shotgun in the crook of his arm, cracked open and cleaning it–it was actually an old one that he kept near the door for just such purposes–Jehovah’s Witnesses, vaccuum salesmen, Avon ladies, etc. You never know who may come a knockin’ when you live in the wilds of New Jersey!

    Still not a cat person, but I talk to my dog too, and I know he speaks just as much Spanish, French, German and Italian as I do!

  7. It was a medium sized lizard who was very sedate until we put this lizard who was crazy in the tank. After that he wouldn’t stay on my shoulder. We had lizards, geckos, and snakes in the house at that time. Gecko bites hurt.

  8. My mother ( bless her soul, wherever it is) was a Jehovah’s Witness for a short time then a Second Day Adventist after being a Catholic as a child. I wish I had a lizard at the time because she kept “Witnessing me”. I even found her once outside at the grocery store handing out pamphlets. I kept driving by. I loved my mom but not when she was in religious mode.

    I have three black cats. Do you want to hear all about the cute things they do? No? Good. Neither do I.

  9. I’ve been ‘approached’ a few times by them kind. I find they don’t hang out long. I was on a bus when two mormons got on. They were working their way down the bus.

    I hoped someone grabbed their attention because I really didn’t feel like yanking someone’s scrotum out of their pants, pulling it over their face and stapling it to the back of their head. Some days you just don’t feel like it, you know?

    Besides, they seemed like nice enough young men and probably didn’t deserve someone like me. Not that it would stop me.

    Little by little they got closer. I knew my stop wasn’t soon enough so sat there waiting for the inevitable.

    “Hi,” said a fresh-faced young man. “Do you believe jesus is your personal savior?”

    “Listen, you’re standing right in front of me and I don’t believe in you. What chance does an invisible guy in the sky have?”

  10. OMG, that was so funny. I laughed so hard the cats woke up.

  11. Oh yeah, the next time someone is annoying/pissing me off, I’ll just tell them that I don’t believe in them. WTF kind of revenge is that?!? Come on! I want to see blood and guts! I want humiliation! I want to see them suffer!

    Are you getting mellow in your dotage? What happened to the foul-mouthed, lizard toting, hockey playing tough guy that threatened violent ends to anyone who dared to ask a stupid question?

  12. DON’T WAKE THE CATS!!!!!! The outcome can only be bad!

    Sorry to disappoint, Beck, but with my awesome power comes awesome responsibility. I can’t bring a truncheon to a slap fight. What sport is that?

    I’m not saying go easy on them, and I didn’t in this case, I respond with just enough oomph to cause a fission from their head to their crotch that one day, weeks after they’ve erased me from their memory, long after they think they’ve healed, it splits their soul and shivers their base humanity into a quivering, doddering, melting mass of epithelium.

    Where do you think all those people wandering the face of the earth talking to themselves come from? Ask ’em. They’re most likely people who’ve had encounters with me.

  13. I guess I didn’t recognize your sense of fellowship and responsibility for humanity in general. I apologize, sincerely.

    “…it splits their soul and shivers their base humanity into a quivering, doddering melting mass of epithelium.”

    And he’s back!

  14. Fellowship? You give me way too much credit. I won’t even run in the human race.

    I care little for feelings (as I’ve said before, feelings are often delusional) I care about getting to my point (point usually being: get away) across so must use a vernacular they’ll understand (they thump their bible, I thump my bile) to achieve my goal (not being in their company) in the most expedite manner (mucho rapido) while maintaining my raison d’etre (getting to the funny).

    But then sometimes I just like to see their eyes bug out.

    No need to apologize. As you know, I never wander far.

  15. There’s no competition in the human race, but the rat race on the other hand…

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