If you’re like everyone else in the world you’ve tried hundreds of ways to beat stress and, not surprisingly, none of them have worked. Oh sure, you were extremely chilled during that Thai stick and Henderbeer binge but even that laid back feeling didn’t last. Police dogs and DEA agents have a habit of harshing mellows.
You’ve even tried mainstream approved methods. Things like exercise, diet, yoga and handfuls of Valium, Xanax, Ativan, Ritalin, Valtrex, Klonopin, or whatever pill du jour your psychiatrist was bribed to use is all washed down with that ever present bottle of Henderbeer.
As you’ve no doubt found out after weeks of detox to get the prescribed monkey off your back and thousands spent trying to keep a zipper off your chest, none of that really works.
But we at Bound & Gags know how to calm your bad self down. It has taken us years to accumulate the hypertension, blocked arteries and drunken black outs necessary to accumulate the secrets to a calm and soporific life.
So sit back, put your butt in an up right and relaxed position and learn what we at Bound & Gags already know: there is only so much stress in the world and, in this case especially, it is much better to give than receive. And now you are about to receive:
100 Sure-Fire Ways To Beat Stress
Debate the true meaning of belly button lint.
Hang glide naked while eating a bowl of pudding.
Walk up to a total stranger and ask them why they weren’t at the meeting last night.
During a lull in conversation stand up and scream ‘Stop staring at me!’
Go to a restaurant and ask for some extra parsley.
Call up a friend and ask them if they want paper or plastic.
Go to the movies and ask a perfectly quiet person to shut up.
Shout ‘Bingo!’ whenever you hear a B-52’s song.
Start a conversation with someone wearing headphones.
When someone answers your question with ‘Huh?’ answer ‘Thousand Island or vinaigrette.’
Keep your fly unzipped and when someone tells you say, ‘I know.’
Call up a friend and ask if they know why you called.
Ask a waitperson what’s good and, when told, make retching sounds.
Walk up to an adult with a tissue, put it to their nose and say ‘Blow.’
Answer a pay phone with ‘Deposit twenty-five cents for the next three minutes.’
Go to a baseball game and scream, ‘Swing batter.’ during the entire game.
Walk up to a total stranger and ask ‘Does this look infected to you?’
Ask your best friend to let you borrow some underwear.
Pick out your new office wardrobe at the golf pro shop.
Contemplate how different your life would be if you were a Flintstone.
Call up a truck rental place and tell them your life story.
Get in a long line and face the opposite way.
Tell all your friends that you can understand what dogs are saying.
Try to elevate objects with your mind.
Give foreign currency to a homeless person.
Ask if you can be put back on hold because you love the song that was playing.
Start a heartwarming conversation with the person at the urinal next to you.
Bring a vegetarian to lunch and eat a slab of raw meat.
Ask for directions and then head in the opposite direction.
When someone says something obvious slap your forehead and say ‘Why didn’t I know that?’
Call a sperm bank and ask how you can open an account.
Ask someone to borrow $1000 to go to a grand opening.
Ask a grocer for the prune juice to toilet paper conversion chart.
Actually skip to the loo.
During a job interview sit up and scream, ‘Nap Time!’
Get on an elevator and sing along with the muzak.
Tell everyone that you could have been rich if you’d have had parents with more money.
Get extremely dressed for a date and go to a fast food drive-thru.
Invite all your friends over for homemade croutons.
Wear a cape with your initials on it all day.
Ask a stranger to get the change out of your pocket.
Set up a heavy petting zoo.
Turn down the volume on a family video and make animal noises.
Go to a gas station rest room then tell the attendant that the ambiance was ‘Magnificent.’
Tell your friends that you’re in training for the professional Karaoke tour.
When told to ‘Sit anywhere.’ at a restaurant take the advice literally.
Tell everyone its your birthday just to make them feel stupid for forgetting.
Have a conversation with a store clerk in baby talk.
Walk around with an empty goldfish bowl calling out, ‘Here fishy, fishy.’
Every time someone walks out of a room scream, ‘Elvis has left the building.’
Dot your I’s with little snarly faces.
Rent a limousine and keep it parked in your driveway all night.
Grow a garden of vegetables that you’re allergic to.
Wear something that you know is ugly and ask everyone you meet if they like it.
Proudly exclaim that you are a homo sapien.
Go see a movie with sub-titles and read out loud.
Have a party in your pants with cheese-whiz.
Go to a fast food restaurant and ask for one of the paper hats.
Point at passing cars with a worried expression on your face.
Go to a retirement home and see how many people know all the words to ‘Wooly Bully.’
Spend a day giving pet names to your bodily functions.
Call PBS during Pledge Week and pledge your undying loyalty.
Go to a library and read over someone’s shoulder.
Ask a real short person if they play basketball.
Jot down the graffiti from a public rest room.
Sneak up on a total stranger, touch their shoulder, say ‘Tag, you’re it.’ and run away.
Excuse yourself to make a phone call and then don’t leave.
Spend ten minutes raving about the fragrant bouquet of a glass of tap water.
Tell people how old you are in dog years.
Drive around a rotary until a passenger pukes.
Open a beer and say, ‘You know, it really doesn’t get any better than this.’
Put $10.00 in a jukebox and play the same song.
Send a chain letter using real chains.
Go up to a stranger in a club and say, ‘Excuse me, that’s my drink.’
Window shop at a lawyers office.
Heckle at a religious service.
Make a big deal about how fast your finger nails grow.
Brag about your collection of random thoughts.
Hum your favorite snack food commercial all day.
Scream ‘Watch it, little buddy!’ every five minutes during an episode of Gilligan’s Island.
Start complaining because you’ve lost your virginity.
Invite all your friends to your house for a party and then don’t show up.
Try to book a flight of fancy.
Bring your sick stuffed animal to the vet.
Take up a collection at work for a collection jar.
Go up to someone and say, ‘Stop me if you’ve heard this one.’ then recite the Gettysburg address.
Carry groceries with you on a Stairmaster.
Go to a hairdresser, ask who does their hair and then go to that person.
Tell everyone that you’re looking forward to some serious social intercourse tonight.
Give directions to someone who hasn’t asked.
Gleefully shout ‘Wheeeeee.’ during an escalator ride.
Ask a neighbor to borrow a cup of water.
Send a new father card to someone who will be real surprised.
Spend an hour reading the directions of minute rice.
Think of ways to make your knuckle hair grow faster.
Go to a strangers funeral and ask the family for the twenty bucks the deceased owed you.
Ask someone else’s boss to give you a letter of recommendation.
We know that once you read these words of comfort you’ll want to have them with you always. So it’s a good thing we put these words of wisdom on a poster. All you have to do to get your own personal 100 Sure-Fire Ways To Beat Stress poster is to click below and the Bound & Gags 100 Surefire Ways To Beat Stress will be in your home before you can say Myocardial infarction.