Are You An Adult?

It finally hit me the other day. I’ve grown up. I don’t know when it happened but I’m pretty sure it was at one of the meetings that I’m forced to go to. I think adulthood knows that you’ll fall asleep during the meeting (I know I always do) that’s why they make you go to so many. Adulthood is smart. It doesn’t just age you during one meeting. That’s why we have to go to so many.

It sneaks up on you one meeting at a time.

At first adulthood seems like a good thing. Ordering your first drink that doesn’t come out of the trunk of a car or from under a pile of leaves. Getting a paycheck that actually has triple digits. But the truth about adulthood soon rears its ugly head. It starts off simply by having to be polite to someone you hate just because they can fire you. Then you start to gain some weight and lose some hair (which seems to grow back in tremendously unconventional places) and then, and I consider this worst of all, you use words like ‘infrastructure’ and ‘Lipper Growth Index’ without laughing.

It all came to head for me yesterday when I was tired of being bossed around by a guy who, if it wasn’t for the fact that the company has been in his family for generations, would be working in a fast food restaurant and wouldn’t be allowed near the fry-o-lator without supervision.

He came up to me and told me that he didn’t think my latest piece had enough

“. . .grab you by the teeth and yankness.”

So I did what any adult trying to get in touch with the child he left behind would have done. I pulled down my pants and asked him,

“Does it have enough grab you by the balls and yankness though?”

As I was picking up my last paycheck I realized I never did that as a kid and am now convinced that adulthood is even a more insidious trap than I first thought. It let’s you think that you’re getting in touch with your inner child when in reality it’s getting you in touch with the inner workings of the unemployment office.

Now begins another part of adulthood that’s even more insidious than being nice to someone just because they can turn you out onto the streets, being nice to someone who may or may not hire you.

It’s a conspiracy I tell ya.

1. Your latest concern about money was because: 

A. Your mortgage payments was due
B. He/She said yes

2. Recently you have eliminated the majority of your: 

A. Vices
B. Bar tabs

3. Your latest well balanced meal contained: 

A. A majority of the 4 major food groups
B. Corn chips and a 6-pack

4. Right now do you have more than $20: 

A. In your pocket
B. To your name

5. For no apparent reason, have you recently said: 

A. “Let’s throw a party.”
B. “Owwwww, my back.”

6. The last time you held a baby: 

A. It was a joyous moment
B. You had to push in the soft spot on its head

7. After your last night out, you awoke feeling: 

A. Rejuvenated, like the people in upscale beer commercials
B. Hungover with your ears ringing and your wallet missing

8. Are any of the stations on your radio programmed to:

A. Talk radio
B. Industrial From Hell Hour

9. Do you remember: 

A. What you had for breakfast
B. Who the guitarist for the J. Geils Band was

10. The front of your cereal box is cover by: 

A. Zippy, The Sugar Rush Clown
B. Nuts and berries surrounded by scenes of total serenity and natural goodness

11. When you get together with your friends, are you more likely to talk about: 

A. Vicious groin injuries
B. Irregularity

12. Does your job title have: 

A. One word or less
B. Three or more words

13. The last time you farted you: 

A. Excused yourself
B. Lit it up

14. What phrase are you more likely to utter during a touch football game?

A. “You didn’t touch me, you lying slime.”
B. “Hey you kids, get off my lawn.”

15. The last time you bought clothing, did you buy them: 

A. For the impeccable style
B. At a rock concert

16. When you looked in the mirror today, did you say: 

A. “I’m gonna get lucky tonight.”
B. “What the hell is that?”

17. When its time to balance your checkbook, do you spend more than 10 minutes 

A. Balancing it
B. Looking for it

18. The last official paper you signed: 

A. Had more legalese than English
B. Was a moving violation

19. Have you recently 

A. Started a sentence and half way through forgot what you were talking about
B. Announced that you were going on a beer run

20. Is your best friend more likely to be: 

A. Teddy, The Vomit King
B. Theodore, The Director of International Marketing

21. A night on the town would most likely include a visit to: 

A. The International Culture Center
B. Bubba’s Blood Bath

22. In your medicine cabinet, you have more: 

A. Ointments and salves
B. Condoms

23. Your last major purchase was: 

A. An appliance
B. A case of beer

24. The last letter you wrote was: 

A. To complain about the unprofessional and reprehensible behavior you received from a company
B. A bunch of lies for Penthouse

25. Are you more likely to argue about: 

A. Politics
B. The designated hitter rule

26. Which word are you more likely to use in your daily conversation? 

A. Infrastructure
B Yo!

27. With passion and conviction in your voice, are you more likely to call: 

A. A radio talk show
B. Doctor Condoms All Night Delivery Service

28. Are you more likely to be called: 

A. Sir/Madam
B. Dude Master/Dudess


When you woke up this morning, did you spend more time:

A. Trying to get your tongue off the roof of your mouth
B. Strategically arranging your hair than actually combing it

Have you recently been kept awake by:

A. Foreign Substances
B. The constant ticking of your biological clock

What does PMS mean to you?

A. Pack My Suitcase
B. Party Master Steve

What does PMS mean to you?

A. Get away from me you worthless slime (What? Are you going to tell me I’m wrong? I didn’t think so)
B. Please Me Steve

Now calculate your answer with our handy and easy scoring method:

Give yourself one point for each answer (max. 30). If this is a Thursday in an odd month and day (you be the judge, it’s your life) subtract the number of toes and fingers that the closest marsupial to you has. If a marsupial can not be found quickly (and for the life of me I can’t understand why), go to the nearest steel mill or shop where they use machines that seem to be aliens straight out of a 1950’s space movie, ask for anyone named Lefty and this will give you your subtotal. Take the subtotal and divide by 20 (the street number of my girlfriend’s apartment), multiply by 4 (Bobby Orr’s number, my favorite hockey player when I was a kid. Hey, you want to pick your favorite? Get your own quiz), add 8 (Carl Yastrzemski’s number and I think you know why), subtract your age then find the square root of the circumference of the Earth and multiply that to the estimated gross weight (some settling may occur during computation) of Mars and Uranus, add everything together, mix thoroughly and serve at room temperature. Ta da, your grand total. And if you do get a grand total out of this, turn in your P.F. Flyers (no more running faster, jumping higher for you) you are surely an adult.

Oh, you want to know what each and every answer in the quiz meant. Uh, well, the important thing to remember is that we had fun because, um, it means nothing. You see, I get paid by the word and, hey, hey, hey, calm down a bit there. See, your actions and spiraling blood pressure proves that you’re an adult. When you were a kid you’d spend hours tossing flies into a spider web and now you can’t even relax enough to waste your oh-so-valuable time. It really sad.

I would like to thank the Large Forehead Cooperative from the B.F. Skinner Building at MIT in their assistance with the scoring section. I sure couldn’t have done it without them. I don’t even know what a circumference is. There I thanked you, now will you take this photon out of my pants?

Make sure that you join us for next month’s exciting quiz. Are you going through a sexual identity crisis? Here is a sample question: Have you ever dated someone who didn’t understand the significance of the Watergate Building?

6 responses to “Are You An Adult?

  1. I don’t know that I have grown up mentally… But, damn! My body done gone and grew up without me.

  2. OK, I had to go get Lefty, (and by the way, he said to say “Hi”), and I figured out my score. I’m just not sure what it means; does a higher number indicate adulthood and lower number mean that I’m still just a kid at heart? My score is 3.14159265358979323846.

  3. Nope, you’re still a kid. You like pi too much.

  4. I don’t like pie; I love pie!

  5. I got caught cheating and thrown out.

  6. dontdatethatdude

    This was hilarious! Item 6 made me burst out laughing! Even though I recently became a grandmother I still chose b. I love a quiz! Thanks!

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