It finally hit me the other day. I’ve grown up. I don’t know when it happened but I’m pretty sure it was at one of the meetings that I’m forced to go to. I think adulthood knows that you’ll fall asleep during the meeting (I know I always do) that’s why they make you go to so many. Adulthood is smart. It doesn’t just age you during one meeting. That’s why we have to go to so many.
It sneaks up on you one meeting at a time.
At first adulthood seems like a good thing. Ordering your first drink that doesn’t come out of the trunk of a car or from under a pile of leaves. Getting a paycheck that actually has triple digits. But the truth about adulthood soon rears its ugly head. It starts off simply by having to be polite to someone you hate just because they can fire you. Then you start to gain some weight and lose some hair (which seems to grow back in tremendously unconventional places) and then, and I consider this worst of all, you use words like ‘infrastructure’ and ‘Lipper Growth Index’ without laughing.
It all came to head for me yesterday when I was tired of being bossed around by a guy who, if it wasn’t for the fact that the company has been in his family for generations, would be working in a fast food restaurant and wouldn’t be allowed near the fry-o-lator without supervision.
He came up to me and told me that he didn’t think my latest piece had enough
“. . .grab you by the teeth and yankness.”
So I did what any adult trying to get in touch with the child he left behind would have done. I pulled down my pants and asked him,
“Does it have enough grab you by the balls and yankness though?”
As I was picking up my last paycheck I realized I never did that as a kid and am now convinced that adulthood is even a more insidious trap than I first thought. It let’s you think that you’re getting in touch with your inner child when in reality it’s getting you in touch with the inner workings of the unemployment office.
Now begins another part of adulthood that’s even more insidious than being nice to someone just because they can turn you out onto the streets, being nice to someone who may or may not hire you.
It’s a conspiracy I tell ya.
A. Your mortgage payments was due
B. He/She said yes
B. Bar tabs
A. A majority of the 4 major food groups
B. Corn chips and a 6-pack
A. In your pocket
B. To your name
A. “Let’s throw a party.”
B. “Owwwww, my back.”
A. It was a joyous moment
B. You had to push in the soft spot on its head
A. Rejuvenated, like the people in upscale beer commercials
B. Hungover with your ears ringing and your wallet missing
A. Talk radio
B. Industrial From Hell Hour
A. What you had for breakfast
B. Who the guitarist for the J. Geils Band was
A. Zippy, The Sugar Rush Clown
B. Nuts and berries surrounded by scenes of total serenity and natural goodness
A. Vicious groin injuries
A. One word or less
B. Three or more words
A. Excused yourself
B. Lit it up
A. “You didn’t touch me, you lying slime.”
B. “Hey you kids, get off my lawn.”
A. For the impeccable style
B. At a rock concert
A. “I’m gonna get lucky tonight.”
B. “What the hell is that?”
A. Balancing it
B. Looking for it
A. Had more legalese than English
B. Was a moving violation
A. Started a sentence and half way through forgot what you were talking about
B. Announced that you were going on a beer run
A. Teddy, The Vomit King
B. Theodore, The Director of International Marketing
A. The International Culture Center
B. Bubba’s Blood Bath
A. Ointments and salves
A. An appliance
B. A case of beer
A. To complain about the unprofessional and reprehensible behavior you received from a company
B. A bunch of lies for Penthouse
B. The designated hitter rule
A. A radio talk show
B. Doctor Condoms All Night Delivery Service
B. Dude Master/Dudess
When you woke up this morning, did you spend more time:
A. Trying to get your tongue off the roof of your mouth
B. Strategically arranging your hair than actually combing it
Have you recently been kept awake by:
A. Foreign Substances
B. The constant ticking of your biological clock
What does PMS mean to you?
A. Pack My Suitcase
B. Party Master Steve
What does PMS mean to you?
A. Get away from me you worthless slime (What? Are you going to tell me I’m wrong? I didn’t think so)
B. Please Me Steve
Now calculate your answer with our handy and easy scoring method:
Give yourself one point for each answer (max. 30). If this is a Thursday in an odd month and day (you be the judge, it’s your life) subtract the number of toes and fingers that the closest marsupial to you has. If a marsupial can not be found quickly (and for the life of me I can’t understand why), go to the nearest steel mill or shop where they use machines that seem to be aliens straight out of a 1950’s space movie, ask for anyone named Lefty and this will give you your subtotal. Take the subtotal and divide by 20 (the street number of my girlfriend’s apartment), multiply by 4 (Bobby Orr’s number, my favorite hockey player when I was a kid. Hey, you want to pick your favorite? Get your own quiz), add 8 (Carl Yastrzemski’s number and I think you know why), subtract your age then find the square root of the circumference of the Earth and multiply that to the estimated gross weight (some settling may occur during computation) of Mars and Uranus, add everything together, mix thoroughly and serve at room temperature. Ta da, your grand total. And if you do get a grand total out of this, turn in your P.F. Flyers (no more running faster, jumping higher for you) you are surely an adult.
Oh, you want to know what each and every answer in the quiz meant. Uh, well, the important thing to remember is that we had fun because, um, it means nothing. You see, I get paid by the word and, hey, hey, hey, calm down a bit there. See, your actions and spiraling blood pressure proves that you’re an adult. When you were a kid you’d spend hours tossing flies into a spider web and now you can’t even relax enough to waste your oh-so-valuable time. It really sad.
I would like to thank the Large Forehead Cooperative from the B.F. Skinner Building at MIT in their assistance with the scoring section. I sure couldn’t have done it without them. I don’t even know what a circumference is. There I thanked you, now will you take this photon out of my pants?
Make sure that you join us for next month’s exciting quiz. Are you going through a sexual identity crisis? Here is a sample question: Have you ever dated someone who didn’t understand the significance of the Watergate Building?