Schizoid Biweekly

You, minion, are too saucy.

People tell me I’m pretty good at coming up with insults and retorts for the various situations in my life. I thank them but, if truth be told, I ain’t no Bard:

http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html

Out Of Order

Yesterday there was a crash heard throughout the building. Having been through this before, I thought someone crashed into the building. I was wrong.

So, because the sound had to come from somewhere and an idiot was using the elevator, I ran in that direction. But, although he was quite confused by the apparatus, nothing in his load dislodged enough to make that sound.

Oh well, I think, I know they’re blasting up the street, could have been a heavier than usual blast load. I go back to chasing idiots while trying to keep them as far away from me as possible. Quite the quandary is my life.

Awhile later I have to open an overhead door and hear a rather unusual sound. I turn back and now know the sound I heard earlier, for some reason, came from the overhead door.

Before I can get to the shutdown button, a guy places his foot on the door and pushes it. The sound was that of a car accident. I shut the door down, already fully open and go out to assess the damage. The guy looks at me with all the authority of someone who knows and says,

“A little WD-40 and it’ll be fine.”

Huh, I think to myself, so now WD-40 will put tension in obviously slackened cables. I have to wait for him to finish with the door to complete my inspection sure it’s not going to be very good. When I can manually pull the door down I find out that it is, in fact, not very good. The take up spring, a very large spring I will add, has snapped.

Okay, make a phone call and shut the door down. What I did to officially make people aware the door is inoperable is place a sign that read: ‘Out Of Order. Use Other Doors’ on the door.

Things like this, door comes off hinges, electrical problems, etc. have happened in the past and this sign has worked out just fine. But, lest we forget, we are in the throes of the end of intelligence, I had a sinking feeling something will go wrong.

It took less than ten minutes for that prediction to come to volition.

“Hey, I parked at door three.” Three, in case you are unaware, is the out of service door. “It says it doesn’t work. What am I going to do?”

Sometimes it’s not worth the effort to point out a problem then give a solution.

“You saw the sign, right?” He nods. “Go out, read it again and see if you can find out what you should do.”

Being near the end of the day I figured I wouldn’t waste the next step so would do it in the morning. Which I did. First thing, I tied bright yellow caution tape around the bent and scared safety poles we’ve placed deep into the ground on both sides of the door.

And, guess what? Yep, the first person to pull in today snapped the tape from the poles.

Sometimes it’s not worth using double knots.

Are You An Adult?

It finally hit me the other day. I’ve grown up. I don’t know when it happened but I’m pretty sure it was at one of the meetings that I’m forced to go to. I think adulthood knows that you’ll fall asleep during the meeting (I know I always do) that’s why they make you go to so many. Adulthood is smart. It doesn’t just age you during one meeting. That’s why we have to go to so many.

It sneaks up on you one meeting at a time.

At first adulthood seems like a good thing. Ordering your first drink that doesn’t come out of the trunk of a car or from under a pile of leaves. Getting a paycheck that actually has triple digits. But the truth about adulthood soon rears its ugly head. It starts off simply by having to be polite to someone you hate just because they can fire you. Then you start to gain some weight and lose some hair (which seems to grow back in tremendously unconventional places) and then, and I consider this worst of all, you use words like ‘infrastructure’ and ‘Lipper Growth Index’ without laughing.

It all came to head for me yesterday when I was tired of being bossed around by a guy who, if it wasn’t for the fact that the company has been in his family for generations, would be working in a fast food restaurant and wouldn’t be allowed near the fry-o-lator without supervision.

He came up to me and told me that he didn’t think my latest piece had enough

“. . .grab you by the teeth and yankness.”

So I did what any adult trying to get in touch with the child he left behind would have done. I pulled down my pants and asked him,

“Does it have enough grab you by the balls and yankness though?”

As I was picking up my last paycheck I realized I never did that as a kid and am now convinced that adulthood is even a more insidious trap than I first thought. It let’s you think that you’re getting in touch with your inner child when in reality it’s getting you in touch with the inner workings of the unemployment office.

Now begins another part of adulthood that’s even more insidious than being nice to someone just because they can turn you out onto the streets, being nice to someone who may or may not hire you.

It’s a conspiracy I tell ya.

1. Your latest concern about money was because: 

A. Your mortgage payments was due
B. He/She said yes

2. Recently you have eliminated the majority of your: 

A. Vices
B. Bar tabs

3. Your latest well balanced meal contained: 

A. A majority of the 4 major food groups
B. Corn chips and a 6-pack

4. Right now do you have more than $20: 

A. In your pocket
B. To your name

5. For no apparent reason, have you recently said: 

A. “Let’s throw a party.”
B. “Owwwww, my back.”

6. The last time you held a baby: 

A. It was a joyous moment
B. You had to push in the soft spot on its head

7. After your last night out, you awoke feeling: 

A. Rejuvenated, like the people in upscale beer commercials
B. Hungover with your ears ringing and your wallet missing

8. Are any of the stations on your radio programmed to:

A. Talk radio
B. Industrial From Hell Hour

9. Do you remember: 

A. What you had for breakfast
B. Who the guitarist for the J. Geils Band was

10. The front of your cereal box is cover by: 

A. Zippy, The Sugar Rush Clown
B. Nuts and berries surrounded by scenes of total serenity and natural goodness

11. When you get together with your friends, are you more likely to talk about: 

A. Vicious groin injuries
B. Irregularity

12. Does your job title have: 

A. One word or less
B. Three or more words

13. The last time you farted you: 

A. Excused yourself
B. Lit it up

14. What phrase are you more likely to utter during a touch football game?

A. “You didn’t touch me, you lying slime.”
B. “Hey you kids, get off my lawn.”

15. The last time you bought clothing, did you buy them: 

A. For the impeccable style
B. At a rock concert

16. When you looked in the mirror today, did you say: 

A. “I’m gonna get lucky tonight.”
B. “What the hell is that?”

17. When its time to balance your checkbook, do you spend more than 10 minutes 

A. Balancing it
B. Looking for it

18. The last official paper you signed: 

A. Had more legalese than English
B. Was a moving violation

19. Have you recently 

A. Started a sentence and half way through forgot what you were talking about
B. Announced that you were going on a beer run

20. Is your best friend more likely to be: 

A. Teddy, The Vomit King
B. Theodore, The Director of International Marketing

21. A night on the town would most likely include a visit to: 

A. The International Culture Center
B. Bubba’s Blood Bath

22. In your medicine cabinet, you have more: 

A. Ointments and salves
B. Condoms

23. Your last major purchase was: 

A. An appliance
B. A case of beer

24. The last letter you wrote was: 

A. To complain about the unprofessional and reprehensible behavior you received from a company
B. A bunch of lies for Penthouse

25. Are you more likely to argue about: 

A. Politics
B. The designated hitter rule

26. Which word are you more likely to use in your daily conversation? 

A. Infrastructure
B Yo!

27. With passion and conviction in your voice, are you more likely to call: 

A. A radio talk show
B. Doctor Condoms All Night Delivery Service

28. Are you more likely to be called: 

A. Sir/Madam
B. Dude Master/Dudess

BONUS QUESTIONS 

MEN:
When you woke up this morning, did you spend more time:

A. Trying to get your tongue off the roof of your mouth
B. Strategically arranging your hair than actually combing it

WOMEN:
Have you recently been kept awake by:

A. Foreign Substances
B. The constant ticking of your biological clock

MEN:
What does PMS mean to you?

A. Pack My Suitcase
B. Party Master Steve

WOMEN:
What does PMS mean to you?

A. Get away from me you worthless slime (What? Are you going to tell me I’m wrong? I didn’t think so)
B. Please Me Steve

Now calculate your answer with our handy and easy scoring method:

Give yourself one point for each answer (max. 30). If this is a Thursday in an odd month and day (you be the judge, it’s your life) subtract the number of toes and fingers that the closest marsupial to you has. If a marsupial can not be found quickly (and for the life of me I can’t understand why), go to the nearest steel mill or shop where they use machines that seem to be aliens straight out of a 1950’s space movie, ask for anyone named Lefty and this will give you your subtotal. Take the subtotal and divide by 20 (the street number of my girlfriend’s apartment), multiply by 4 (Bobby Orr’s number, my favorite hockey player when I was a kid. Hey, you want to pick your favorite? Get your own quiz), add 8 (Carl Yastrzemski’s number and I think you know why), subtract your age then find the square root of the circumference of the Earth and multiply that to the estimated gross weight (some settling may occur during computation) of Mars and Uranus, add everything together, mix thoroughly and serve at room temperature. Ta da, your grand total. And if you do get a grand total out of this, turn in your P.F. Flyers (no more running faster, jumping higher for you) you are surely an adult.

Oh, you want to know what each and every answer in the quiz meant. Uh, well, the important thing to remember is that we had fun because, um, it means nothing. You see, I get paid by the word and, hey, hey, hey, calm down a bit there. See, your actions and spiraling blood pressure proves that you’re an adult. When you were a kid you’d spend hours tossing flies into a spider web and now you can’t even relax enough to waste your oh-so-valuable time. It really sad.

I would like to thank the Large Forehead Cooperative from the B.F. Skinner Building at MIT in their assistance with the scoring section. I sure couldn’t have done it without them. I don’t even know what a circumference is. There I thanked you, now will you take this photon out of my pants?

Make sure that you join us for next month’s exciting quiz. Are you going through a sexual identity crisis? Here is a sample question: Have you ever dated someone who didn’t understand the significance of the Watergate Building?

Trying To Eat

I had to go to a very low budget wedding and I’m in the line to get some shitty food. A guy who was always trying to show me how funny he was came up to me. Gee, I love that.

“Chris! Haven’t seen you forever! How’s the wife and kids?”

I didn’t even look up from the line. I just started walking away and said,

“Dead. Killed ’em this morning. That’s why I’m here. Getting some food for the road.”

Collapsed

A guy asked me what I’ve been up to and I answered the business I’ve been cultivating for the last year collapsed. He asked me what it was and I told him it was a specialty video web site on root based vegetables called YouTuber.

A Writer’s Life: 2008

Martyrade

New FotC Video

Animal Noises

At 1AM there was a horrible sound outside. Something was going horribly awry with one of the array of animals that live around the area.The animal is screaming so that causes my girlfriend to scream. Which causes me to wake. Which, now because I’m awake, it’s decided it would be our best interest if we investigated the source of this sound.

So we go outside and she sends me closer to the sound. I pause at this idea but, because I’m armed with my trusty flashlight, I fear not!

Yes, a flashlight is all I ever need when looking for an obviously wild, agitated, screaming animal.

You may be saying to yourself, ‘Ah, Chris, sure, we’ve come to the realization that you have little to no regard for your safety but, even for you, isn’t this a little dangerous?’

Ha! I say Ha! Again!

You see, being armed with a flashlight is the perfect tool to carry with you when stalking a W.A.S. animal. Because, when the EMT’s come to help me, the flashlight will make it easy for them to find as many as pieces as possible.

We never did find the animal but, by the movement of his sound, I could tell he was moving away from my weapon (see? And you scoffed!). I looked around in the light and didn’t see any evidence of a struggle so it was probably just a warning for something to back off.

Or, in my case, stay in bed.