I auditioned as a writer for a sketch comedy show. I didn’t get it but I thought I did pretty well within the boundaries they set. On the phone I was told I had an hour to write a sketch. While I’m thinking, ‘I could just send them something I’ve already written’ she says,
“It has to be an ensemble piece set at a wedding with three bridesmaids as the leads.”
Now I have a backlog of stuff but, damn, that’s one I missed. So I tell her I’ll be in touch. I sat down, thought of weddings, bridesmaids, farting backstage at church (no, that’s a best man thing), a bunch of lesbians walking into a bar jokes for some reason before this popped out of my head:
INT. RECEPTION HALL – DAY
Three BRIDESMAIDS are standing in the Reception Hall sipping their drinks. People are dancing, walking, talking, your basic wedding mixing.
That was really a nice service.
Yes, I thought the sermon was beautiful.
And didn’t Theresa look lovely?
The Bridesmaids nod and agree in unison.
Everyone! Time to toss the bouquet.
The Bridesmaids duck and turn away.
No, no, no. I can’t catch that. My companies sending me to New Zealand for the next eighteen months.
There’s no way I can get that. I’ve decided to come out to my family at the reunion next week.
Bridesmaids 3 and 2 turns and look at Bridesmaid 1. They agree that she should be the recipient.
What about you?
Yeah, you’ve been going with Eddie for a couple of years now.
Isn’t it about time you two thought about. . .
. . .he just broke up with me.
Bridesmaids 3 and 2 are astonished.
You mean before you got here?
No. During the service. He said he’s leaving me for someone at work.
The Bridesmaids turn in unison and look at Eddie.
EDDIE is at the table laughing with other GUYS. He turns toward the Bridesmaids, lifts his drink and smiles.
What a jerk.
I can’t believe it.
Believe it. I bet I even know the one. It’s probably the one he’s been ‘working late’ with.
Bridesmaids nod and stir their drinks.
Okay everyone! It’s time.
WOMEN crowd around the Bridesmaids who are standing there staring straight ahead with their arms by their sides.
BRIDE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
One. Two. Three!
The BOUQUET is flying through the air.
Women reach around the still Bridesmaids.
The Bouquet rolls through the air straight towards Bridesmaid 3.
Bridesmaid 3 cringes in horror.
The Bouquet is about to reach Bridesmaid 3.
Bridesmaid 3 raises her hands and volleys the Bouquet back into the air like a volleyball.
The Bouquet flies towards Bridesmaid 2 who gets into the ready position and passes the Bouquet to Bridesmaid 1.
Bridesmaid 1 bends her knees and leaps into the air.
The Bouquet is hanging in the air.
Bridesmaid 1 reaches back and spikes the Bouquet.
The Bouquet tumbles through the air.
Eddie is laughing with the Guys.
The Bouquet is heading for Eddie.
Eddie turns and reacts as the Bouquet closes in on his face.
The Bouquet crashes into Eddie’s face sticking there.
Eddie falls back and hits the floor dead.
The three Bridesmaids high five.
A bumper superimposes over the screen as the Bridesmaids celebrate:
DeadEx: when he absolutely, positively has to die that night.
About twenty minutes after I’d been given the assignment I called to say I was done and emailing the piece. She was taken aback I could come up with something so quickly and made a snide aside to the quality. I told her there was only one way to find out and that was to check her email.
A few hours later I get an email that tells me I didn’t pass the audition. Although there were many reasons (too short – I hate padded bits, too unbelievable – she had a problem with the flying bouquet, too sporty) it seems the main reason, from what I could tell because there were more words dedicated to it than in the entire bit, was, as she wrote in the email,
‘Fedex parodies are so old. And that’s such an overused slogan. It MAY have been better with a Aeropostale or American Eagle or even Wal-Mart tag. You HAVE to update your references if you want to be in this business.’
Walpostale Eagle: It won’t make sense but at least it’s a hip reference!