Back Away

Yesterday’s little adventure got me thinking. Always a dangerous thing, I know; illegal in six states, I got the restraining orders. But sometimes you’ve got to throw caution and potential incarceration to the wind for the betterment of humanity.

There should be a way to warn people you may not be the type of person kinder, gentler people should approach. Not that you’re unkind or rude, maybe you just want to plow through lunch to get back to work on time so your boss doesn’t chew you out. Or you want to sit there unmolested by the world at large.

Nothing personal. You just want some me time in public.

So we’ve devised a way to get your message out without having to say, as I did last night when someone wouldn’t back away politely,

“If you don’t back down I’m going to tear your brain out, eat it, shit it out, then put it back in your skull to remove any doubt that you’re a shit head.”

To alleviate those embarrassing and potentially messy moments, we at Bound & Gags have created the:

bat

Let’s say you want to concentrate on the ball game, your meal, hell, your job, plop a Back Away Table Tent down and consider the world warned!

The Back Away Table Tents come in many varieties to suit your personal warning level. The Back Away Table Tents come in sentiments like:

No Speak Zone
No, Just No
Back Away Slowly, I Have A Knife
Be Polite! Fuck Off!
Speak Only When Spoken To
If I’m Not Talking, Take My Lead
Off Thy Fucketh
NO!
Will Speak For Beer
If I Wanted To Speak To You I Would Be
I Love Conversation! Just Not With You.
Mom Said, “Don’t Talk To Strangers.”
I’m Not Here For Your Amusement.
I Think, Therefore, You Bore.
Our Relationship Is Better Unrequited
Wanna Get Laid? Go Fuck Yourself.
Because I Care, I’m Warning You Now.
WARNING: Does Not Play Well With Others
I’m Here For Fun So Shut Up.
WARNING! Engaging May Be Hazardous To Your Health.
I’d Hate To Tell You What I Think So Don’t Make Me.
I’m Here Alone On Purpose
Shhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! It Sounds So Much Nicer Than Fuck Off!
I’d Be Interested If You Were Interesting
FUCK OFF
And, for those times when you may have a change of heart, You May/You May Not

We’ve also included a blank to jot in your own sentiment to fit the occasion.

So grab a Back Away Table Tent or dozen and let people know just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely.

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18 responses to “Back Away

  1. LOVE IT! I really want to meet you someday. OK, nevermind. I’m really too scared to meet you. But since someday is not a day of the week, I’m safe.

    Maybe, I can just watch from afar and observe the reactions of those brave enough to engage you.

    I’ll add this:
    “Not so easily engaged. Best not to try.”

  2. I never had the need for a table tent. I just sit at the bar mumbling, “Fuck, fuck the motherfuckers, fuck, fuck. . .shit!” Alternating between mumbling and shouting that refrain at the top of my lungs proves very effective.

  3. Ha! I fear the table cards will only draw out the (more) demented.

    I have a couple:

    1.) The look of death that you see in my eyes is real.

    or

    2.) Piss Off (no this is not a subliminal come-on)

  4. I’m not that scary and many people have lived through the experience without undue damage (mental or physical). I think it seems I’m mean because I’m in a public sphere where people think their random synapse misfirings have meaning. Sadly for them, they are often wrong.

    I actually feel my hit ratio is very low. For instance, by 9AM today, I’d dealt with a dozen people and each of them was treated kindly(ish).

    The person who’s brain I said I’d use to cleanse my colon followed me through a studio after I’d said I couldn’t talk right then but would after the shoot. This was after a lengthy email exchange about my not wanting to do their show.

    So, as you can see, it’s not like I’m flying off the handle looking for fodder at every opportunity. I only swing at the very best. Look at it this way, shit for brains was probably the 80th I’d dealt with that day. That means 79 people had no idea the level of my disdain!

  5. Ignorance is bliss.

  6. I pee in my pants and vomit on my shirt, which seems to work as a deterrent. But I’ll probably order several table tents as a backup. Now that I’ve moved to Cracktown, USA, its seems that pee and vomit are sort of considered attractants.

  7. @betme and moonbeam–its that whole golden showers thing with the pee. Myself, I don’t get it–I’ve changed far too many diapers (pediatrics and geriatrics) to get into it myself, but I did have an old boyfriend who mentioned it so many times that even now, years and years later, there is still a question in my mind about him: “Come on, just let me come INTO the bathroom WITH you when you go. I promise I won’t touch a thing!”

    Yeah right and the check is in the mail.

    Also @ moonbeam–I think that B&G offers a selection of vomit-stained dyed shirts that may also be suitable for your needs. How about it B&G?

  8. Nothing is too disgusting for B&G!

  9. Speak for yourself, Soup. In our name, ‘Gags’ stands for comic effect or remark.

    I’m not much of a regurgitator and don’t think even I would request that of the other B&Gers. I could, however, mention a web site that features a couple of girls and an overflowing cup.

    Here I am, once again, finding the need to take the high road. I’m not sure what that says but it sure is frightening me a little.

  10. The table tent is such a great idea, I’d like to order one of each. I also think Becky’s vomit shirt idea is pretty good. Or, perhaps, a vomit pin: a large sheets of rubber vomit with a jewelry pin or clasp on the back. That way you could just pin it on anything you’re wearing that evening when you go out to dinner.

  11. Wendy, even better!! With a vomit pin, you would never find yourself wearing the wrong shirt or top.

    I can see it now: In a public or semi-public location, surrounded by an assortment of card-carrying idiots (you know the type, they do things like wearing t-shirts that say “stupid”, but there is no one wearing an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt), licensed jack-asses, (easily spotted by their loud braying), a couple of drunken used-car salemen, (don’t even get me started on these characters), and maybe some desperate single or recently seperated/divorced guy looking to score, and you realize you are in one of “those” situations! So you lean over to remove your trusty vomit pin from your purse, or turn away from who ever/whatever was trying to attract and keep your attention and take your vomit pin from your jacket pocket, and attach it in a prominent spot on your shirt or blouse. It is quickly noticed and soon you are blissfully unmolested.

    Except for the drunken used-car salesmen; it usually requires a crow bar or sledge hammer, pepper spray, threats of bodily harm, and vivid descriptions of disgusting medical procedures gone wrong to deter them.

  12. @ Becky: I’m glad to hear that that was an “old” boyfriend.

    I think you’re onto something with the vomit shirt. In fact, someone could make millions by introducing a line of deterrent clothes. Vomit shirts, pee pants, and I’d love to see one with some fake blood to wear around my neighborhood. “Nobody’s gonna mess with me if they think someone’s already messed with me.” That’s my motto. I just made it up, but it’s my motto.

    B&G should really jump on this one.

  13. Now I don’t know whether to get into a bodily fluids jewelry line or clothing line. But either way, snot, vomit, urine, blood and excrement can all perform dual purposes–deterence and decoration.

    Now I just need to get financing; perhaps one of those small business government grants.

  14. @ becky: you should have said feces. Excrement is the stuff written here.

  15. I think the vomit pin, etc. is brilliant. See what happens when I’m not around? Good things!

    > Excrement is the stuff written here.
    Soup, stop trying to fancy up the place. Shit’s shit and this is shit.

  16. Here’s a list of shit words: feces, excrement, poop, doo-doo, merde (French), scheitsen (German), schmidt (Dutch), crap, stool, BM, bowel movement, variations: shooting a bunny, leaving a deposit, making a stool, cutting the cheese, taking a dump, dropping the Browns off at the pool, and sharting (you thought it was only a fart but surprise!) It’s all shit to me!

    Does anyone have anything else to add?

  17. Shite, jobie, finless brown, manure, log, steamer, dung, dookie, scat, evacuate, caca, poo, turd, dung, deuce, defecate, void, discharge.

    A variation that doesn’t exist (because, to the best of my knowledge, I just thought of it), but should, is dropping the ugly baby in the river.

    It is quite amusing having this discussion today. I get into work today and there’s a bag looped over a crash pole. Yes, it was a bag of shit.

    Gotta go, this topics bugging the shit out of me.

  18. Mr. Hanky from South Park!

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