Monthly Archives: February 2008


A guy asked for something and, after I pointed out it was not possible, he stumbled into a rage. I took this for, oh, eight, maybe nine seconds before bellowing,

“Hey! Don’t you ever raise your voice around me again or I’ll suck out your eyes and stick them up your ass to show you what a huge asshole you are.”


Boy, Spongebob really will pimp anything.




I got an email from someone who asked me (after telling me he’d been reading my crap all afternoon) why I’m such an asshole when dealing with customers.

I told him I suffer from post-moronic stress disorder.

I doubt he’ll like that answer.


We’re going to take a break from mirth making today and play a little music montage we did with the cats featured in the masthead (from left to right, Brutus, Bundeschwager, and Nuts) to remember Nuts who recently died.


On this cold, snowy day my thoughts freeze. When that happens I can only think of one thing. Not going out. But that’s not how it always was. There was a time I looked forward to the cold. Hell, there were times in the summer I’d leave the warmth of the day to go into a building that was nothing more than a giant freezer.

Why was I a crazed frostbiteist, you ask? Well, I was into the sports of the ice. Ice sports have brought many things to my life. Some good: competition, the movie Slap Shot, minor cases of frostbite and some bad: death defying throat injury, the movie Slap Shot 2, my creation of the sport ‘Ass Luging’ –

Even after I hung up the blades, I still enjoyed benefits of the sport. Things like meeting one hell of a guy, Ken ‘Toe’ Blake, who is (as much as it pains me to say) the #1 Slap Shot fan of all time. It’s probably a good thing he gets that designation because, unlike him, I’d just use it for evil.

He, on the other hand, uses it in philanthropic ways. If you know anyone who loves Slap Shot or sports in general, Ken runs some great auctions that raise money for some very worthy causes:

So, to pass on my love of the ice, and continue the good will brought on by Clark, The Canadian Hockey Goalie, I’ve decided to fill the world with song. Here are a couple of songs about hockey’s unsung heroes, Goons, and one about the greatest game on ice.

Slap Shot goon, Ogie Oglethorpe (who was inspired by a real tough guy, Goldie Goldthorpe, in Nathan Bell’s ( ‘Ogie, Ogie, Ogie, Ogie.’

Fictional goon, Buddy, from Warren Zevon’s ( ‘Hit Somebody!’

And a tribute to the greatest sport on ice by Bowser and Blue (

Why I Hate

By Chris Zell

I hate because of calls like this one. This is the exact conversation as it happened less than ten minutes ago:

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, yeah, are you talking to me?”

“Yes. May I help you?”

“Yes. I was. . .hello? Are you there?”


“Oh, yeah, well, what was that sound?”

“I don’t know. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes. I was wondering if you were open?”




“Oh, okay. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

Trying To Help

I ran into a musician I know last night. He’s been in some pretty well known bands but, as the musicians life goes, he’s been in some pretty awful g.b. bands. He’s in a classic rock cover band and when I asked how it’s going he said it wasn’t going well. He says the demographic for classic rock isn’t going out as much as they used to.

So I told him they could fix that by changing things around. He said they talked about it and they don’t want to have to learn to rap or learn new songs every week. They just want to do their day jobs, do a show or two on the weekend filled with songs they already know and go home.

I told him I wasn’t talking about putting effort into it, heavens forbid! I told him that, with a few lyrical tweaks, they could open up a whole new market. Geezer songs with geezer themes.

Being a tad musician on the uptake, he needed some examples. Fair enough.

“You do Doors songs, right?” He said they did. “You could change Weird Scenes From Inside The Goldmine to Weird Scenes From Inside The Colon. A Simon & Garfunkle chestnut could become Bridge Over Troubled Dentures. Hotel California? Hotel Large Print For Ya. Cocaine? Co-Pay. Huey Lewis? I Want A New Rug.” I told him I thought that was good because they could do a hair and living room floor version. “Tailoring your niche to the audience.”

He could tell I was just getting started but, as often happens when I’m in the middle of a rant, the listener was just about done. Not that that stops me! As he walked away I kept flooding him with hits!

“I Got A Brand New Pair Of Mortgage Rates! Watching Spotty Growth! The Long And Widening Pants! Shake Your Huge Thing! Wait! Don’t go! I’m just getting started.”

But, alas, he was gone. So I sat. Exhausted from my tour of doody. I never got to mention that they could have been the WDIE – – house band. Even more disappointing, I didn’t get to tell him the showstopper.

“It would have brought the house down.” I say to no one. “Oh, What Am I Feeling?”