Monthly Archives: February 2008


A guy asked for something and, after I pointed out it was not possible, he stumbled into a rage. I took this for, oh, eight, maybe nine seconds before bellowing,

“Hey! Don’t you ever raise your voice around me again or I’ll suck out your eyes and stick them up your ass to show you what a huge asshole you are.”


Boy, Spongebob really will pimp anything.




I got an email from someone who asked me (after telling me he’d been reading my crap all afternoon) why I’m such an asshole when dealing with customers.

I told him I suffer from post-moronic stress disorder.

I doubt he’ll like that answer.


We’re going to take a break from mirth making today and play a little music montage we did with the cats featured in the masthead (from left to right, Brutus, Bundeschwager, and Nuts) to remember Nuts who recently died.


On this cold, snowy day my thoughts freeze. When that happens I can only think of one thing. Not going out. But that’s not how it always was. There was a time I looked forward to the cold. Hell, there were times in the summer I’d leave the warmth of the day to go into a building that was nothing more than a giant freezer.

Why was I a crazed frostbiteist, you ask? Well, I was into the sports of the ice. Ice sports have brought many things to my life. Some good: competition, the movie Slap Shot, minor cases of frostbite and some bad: death defying throat injury, the movie Slap Shot 2, my creation of the sport ‘Ass Luging’ –

Even after I hung up the blades, I still enjoyed benefits of the sport. Things like meeting one hell of a guy, Ken ‘Toe’ Blake, who is (as much as it pains me to say) the #1 Slap Shot fan of all time. It’s probably a good thing he gets that designation because, unlike him, I’d just use it for evil.

He, on the other hand, uses it in philanthropic ways. If you know anyone who loves Slap Shot or sports in general, Ken runs some great auctions that raise money for some very worthy causes:

So, to pass on my love of the ice, and continue the good will brought on by Clark, The Canadian Hockey Goalie, I’ve decided to fill the world with song. Here are a couple of songs about hockey’s unsung heroes, Goons, and one about the greatest game on ice.

Slap Shot goon, Ogie Oglethorpe (who was inspired by a real tough guy, Goldie Goldthorpe, in Nathan Bell’s ( ‘Ogie, Ogie, Ogie, Ogie.’

Fictional goon, Buddy, from Warren Zevon’s ( ‘Hit Somebody!’

And a tribute to the greatest sport on ice by Bowser and Blue (

Why I Hate

By Chris Zell

I hate because of calls like this one. This is the exact conversation as it happened less than ten minutes ago:

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, yeah, are you talking to me?”

“Yes. May I help you?”

“Yes. I was. . .hello? Are you there?”


“Oh, yeah, well, what was that sound?”

“I don’t know. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes. I was wondering if you were open?”




“Oh, okay. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

Trying To Help

I ran into a musician I know last night. He’s been in some pretty well known bands but, as the musicians life goes, he’s been in some pretty awful g.b. bands. He’s in a classic rock cover band and when I asked how it’s going he said it wasn’t going well. He says the demographic for classic rock isn’t going out as much as they used to.

So I told him they could fix that by changing things around. He said they talked about it and they don’t want to have to learn to rap or learn new songs every week. They just want to do their day jobs, do a show or two on the weekend filled with songs they already know and go home.

I told him I wasn’t talking about putting effort into it, heavens forbid! I told him that, with a few lyrical tweaks, they could open up a whole new market. Geezer songs with geezer themes.

Being a tad musician on the uptake, he needed some examples. Fair enough.

“You do Doors songs, right?” He said they did. “You could change Weird Scenes From Inside The Goldmine to Weird Scenes From Inside The Colon. A Simon & Garfunkle chestnut could become Bridge Over Troubled Dentures. Hotel California? Hotel Large Print For Ya. Cocaine? Co-Pay. Huey Lewis? I Want A New Rug.” I told him I thought that was good because they could do a hair and living room floor version. “Tailoring your niche to the audience.”

He could tell I was just getting started but, as often happens when I’m in the middle of a rant, the listener was just about done. Not that that stops me! As he walked away I kept flooding him with hits!

“I Got A Brand New Pair Of Mortgage Rates! Watching Spotty Growth! The Long And Widening Pants! Shake Your Huge Thing! Wait! Don’t go! I’m just getting started.”

But, alas, he was gone. So I sat. Exhausted from my tour of doody. I never got to mention that they could have been the WDIE – – house band. Even more disappointing, I didn’t get to tell him the showstopper.

“It would have brought the house down.” I say to no one. “Oh, What Am I Feeling?”

People Watching

My girlfriend and I had to go to the mall with her daughter. That wasn’t as much fun for me as it may sound. That is until I was told we were going to wait in the bar.

Life is, as Too Much Joy sang, flowers.

We walked into the place and were pleasantly surprised to see a friend of ours there. We hadn’t seen him in awhile and were even more pleased to see him because he was the bartender.

It was nice to catch up (and see his gallbladder operation scars) but he was busy so that left us to our own devices. That’s hardly ever a good thing for those around us. We’re watching people come and go when we we’re both caught by this one gentleman.

“Did you see that?” She asks.

“Yep. Whatcha think?” She likes to play ‘Pin The Proclivity’ on people. She watches him closely with his googly eyes and dainty gait. When he passes she takes a moment to decipher his internal life before spinning back with a satisfied expression.

“Cross dresser.”

I usually agree with her but there was something else. Something more ominous than crotchless  panties and a leather bustier.

“I think he looks like an axe murderer.”

We debated our points for a few minutes before deciding it was a tie. He was an axe murdering drag queen.

Ten minutes later, the lyrics to ‘Axe Murdering Drag Queen’ popped out of my head:

It all started back on that fateful day
When he got a funny feeling on the docks of Thunder Bay
It’s when the old locals began to say
No doubt this boy’s one hundred percent – having a fateful day

He ran right on home, tears flowing from his eyes
The rouge on his cheeks like his mind in distress
He made his grand entrance to his families surprise
An axe over his shoulders, his dress quite a mess

Axe murdering drag queen
There’s a psycho on the scene
Axe murdering drag queen
He’ll cut you in half while you scream

When he woke up much later he saw what he’d done
He picked up the pieces he’d hacked in a sack
He knew now he’d never be their favorite son
So he jumped the next jitney to Hackensack

He worked on his style with those of night
A little mascara, his boots made of leather
Always so confident he always was right
Made that PETA bitch cry who spoke high of pleather

Axe murdering drag queen
There’s a psycho on the scene
Axe murdering drag queen
He’ll cut you in half while you scream

He chopped up another when he turned twenty one
A wanna be rival with a plan of attack
Whose heels snapped off when attempting to run
He cowered there pleading, he’d take it all back

He laughed at his rival and swung with his might
One well placed stoke and he wasn’t so together
Not much of a struggle, not much of a sight
As blood spilled over his lucky peacock feather

Axe murdering drag queen
There’s a psycho on the scene
Axe murdering drag queen
He’ll cut you in half while you scream

Axe murdering drag queen
Still voguing on the scene
Axe murdering drag queen
Swinging with him’s such a scream

Axe murdering drag queen
It started back in Thunder Bay
Axe murdering drag queen
No doubt this boy’s one hundred percent – having a fateful day

We couldn’t decide which genre it should be. She thought country whereas I was leaning more towards a surf party monster beat.

Clark, The Canadian Hockey Goalie

Sit back and snack on this for lunch.

Senior Lifestyle Coupons

We all know someone who just isn’t firing on all cylinders. Maybe they’re a little forgetful; possibly a little repetitious. Many times this tends to be some of the older folk we know (but we’ve also seen this manifest itself in many youngsters these days).

But instead of getting perturbed after hearing the same story from childhood for the millionth time we should embrace them. Hard enough so they pass out (while being careful not to force them into expiration).

No, that would just be wrong and we know that (now).

What we should do is help them get past these awkward moments. So that’s why we at Bound & Gags have created something to help both you and the offending party get past these little lapses: Senior Lifestyle Coupons.

When they lose track of their shoe all they have to do is hand you the correct coupon and and let reasonable heads prevail.

All you have to do to give your addled love one the gift that keeps on giving is print out the coupons, bind them into a nice little package and bestow upon them a gift that will bring hours of comfort and joy.

And it’s cheap enough so that when they lose it you won’t get bent out of shape.

For full sized versions, click here: