With all the perky faced people graduating this time of year you had to know companies would be out there trying to grab some cash from these people who think they know everything. Which, due to the amount we were paid to write this ad, proves these recent graduates barely know anything.
It’s a product that helps ease these geniuses into the world by telling them that, although they may not be Ivy League material, (hell, my Alma mater, The Jester Ventullo Comedy College, would give most recent grads I’ve met the squirting flower of rejection), if they use this product they’ll have a shot!
Or one of the myriad of side effects. But that’s not our department so we didn’t give that much thought.
So sit back, peruse the script, chill to the audio track, and watch the video (which we’ll shoot when and only when the check clears):
Kid in library with papers strewn all over table.
Are you bogged down with paperwork?
Kid nods yes.
SAT’s, admission forms, transcripts?
Kid slumps into pile of papers.
All because you want to get into a good school?
Kid looks up and nods solemnly.
Then fret no more young scholar.
Adult walks into frame and pushes the papers into the air.
All you need is Ivy Hope!
Adult holds bottle of Ivy Hope at the camera.
CUT: Kid lathering up face in bathroom.
Wash your face three times a day with Ivy Hope and watch your misspent junior year wash down the drain.
CUT: Suds draining down sink.
Ivy Hope will leave you fresh and desirable to even the most hard-hearted admission officer.
CUT: Kid smiling at camera with a clean face holding up the bottle of Ivy Hope.
As if your parents just donated a new anthropology wing.
CUT: Long shot of Kid walking down a school hallway.
Ivy Hope may cause anal bleeding, bronchitis, cankers, delirium, engorged prostate, flatulence, gangrene, hemorrhoids, inflamed salivary glands, jaundice, kidney dyspepsia, leaking ears, memory loss, nostril flaring, optical poptitude, prolapsed rectum, quivering liver, rectal bleeding, stench, throat polyps, uvula shivering, varicose veins, water weight gain, xenotransplantation, yodeling, zoophilia, and, in rare occurrences, death.
Kid reaches the camera smiling while holding up a bottle of Ivy Hope.
So ask your guidance counselor to make sure Ivy Hope it is right for you.
Kid frown and tosses the bottle of Ivy Hope off camera.
I think I’ll just go to a state school.
Kid walks off camera as the Ivy Hope logo flashes on screen.
Ivy Hope. It’s not for everyone.