Monthly Archives: April 2007

I See Lying People

This may end up being my favorite call of the year. It’s in the running, of that I am sure.

A tenant who, by my estimation, has been in hospital eight times in the four months she’s been here just called. She had the impending death whine voice in full call while telling me she was in the hospital and was operated on yesterday.

Now I’m not one to call someone a liar, but I have many problems with her stories. The least not being that, from what I witnessed just two weeks ago, the source of all these operations, her back, seemed fine if the lifting she was doing is any indication. But, as I’ve said in the past, I am not a medical professional.

Besides the spring in her step, I’m also not 100% sure I was on her side when her only complaint about her doctor was he wouldn’t give her the desired pills but would something that didn’t stem the tide of her pain.

My complaint would have been more along the line that doctor sucked because he’s been using me like Cavity Sam in the game ‘Operation.’

That caused me doubt she was being truthful about her actual medical condition. But, she knows what her body needs because, while enjoying the effects of whatever shitty drug her doctor did prescribe, I saw her chugging down a bottle of wine when I arrived to tell her to climb down from the precarious pile of furniture she was stepping on because it was closing time.

That’s just back story and has little to no bearing on the potential phone call of the year.

During the call she explains, in her death prattle voice, how her operation was a success; how she’s in tremendous pain; how she’s in the hospital; how she’s getting the drugs that do her the best to assuage her pain; how long is this phone call going to take?

“I was just wondering because I’m getting out of the hospital today so I was going to come over to move some stuff around. . .”

I lost her here for a moment. I once had a refrigerator fall on my leg and ended up taking the rest of the day off. I’m sure if I’d had eight refrigerators fall on my leg in the past four months I’d have starting eating more dry food.

But, all this is doing is making me wonder if she’s been lying to me. I’ve known tenants to change plans because the Patriots lost. I’d expect, at the very least, someone whose back was recently splayed open to do the same. But, obviously she’s made of hardier stock.

“So you’re open until six today, right? That’s right. You’re open until six today, right? Six? Huh?”

“Yes.”

“Thank gawd! Thank you, gawd! Thank gawd. Thank you, Chris.” Hey! I’ve been promoted. “That’s just so wonderful that you’re open until six tonight. You’re open to six tonight, right?”

“Gawd sayeth thou is correct.”

“Oh good, you’re open to six.” Man, gawd-like proclamations sure don’t get props like they used to. “I’m not going to take everything out. I’m just going to take out the big things that’ll fit in my boyfriends tru. . .WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF WOOF BARK. . .get down! Get this dog down.”

Wow! I’m thinking, what a progressive hospital to let you bring your large, slobbering and, knowing this tenant, potentially mangy dog in. Must be some type of drool therapy I’m unaware of due, obviously, to my lack of medical degrees.

“Hey!” I say trying to get her back to the conversation so it can find it’s natural conclusion. “What was that? Your seeing lie dog?”

I really should get my boss to add the line ‘I see lying people’ to my work shirts.

Game Show Proposal

It’s pitch time so here I am, once again, coming up with all my best ideas for television programs. I was asked to come up with a new game show and I came up with an idea that could be a genre killer. I’m not going to waste your time by telling you about it. No! I’ll let the shows introduction do that for me!

 Tonight our contestant will meet a guy he pretended to hold the elevator for which made the guy late for a job interview which lead to him not getting the job and his family abandoning him!

Although our contestant may not even know what he’s done to that man we’re sure he’ll remember Little Suzy. She was the girl he said he’d go to the Junior Prom with only to stand her up and go with her best friend! Oh yeah!

Suzy, not so little any more, is here to let our contestant know what a life of self-loathing and loneliness she’s lead since that faithful night.

And that’s before the first commercial break!

So sit back and watch as tonight’s contestant, Dan McCaffrey, finds out: