Monthly Archives: July 2006

Back to advertising!

Yes, after all these years away, I’m finally getting back into advertising. As a matter of fact, I’ve just completed my first job. Check it out!

 

http://www.cafepress.com/boundandgags.68166136

I’m A Nurturer

A woman told me her son’s second grade teacher said he was above average. As a matter of fact, the teacher said he stood a good chance of going to an ivy league school if his mind and body is fed appropriately. She was worried about how much it would cost to get him there but I told her not to worry. I advised that she goes home hands him a gameboy and bowl full of paint chips.

My Flock

I just got a call, actually two calls from the same idio. . .person. Basically, they asked the same questions in both calls (it happens more than you’d think) but they ended the second one by asking,

“What kind of locks do you recommend?” To which I responded, in a very chipper manner I might add,

“The ones we sell.”

She didn’t get the joke and started giving me shit so I cut her off and told her it was a joke and that she can get any damn lock she feels comfortable with. I think when she realized it was a joke she felt a little sheepish.

So, when she comes in tomorrow, I’m going to shear her from her money.

I’m The Explainer

We’re running a special where the first month is free when you sign our lease which has a two month minimum. Seems like a simple concept, doesn’t it? Don’t be silly. A guy just asked me to explain what first month free means. I said,

“The first month is free. That means, if you signed a lease today we would give you July for free and you would pay for August. So, to move in today you would pay $44.00 which would cover you through August.”

Seems explained, huh?

“So I wouldn’t have to pay anything until August.”

Guess I left something out.

“No. To move in today. . .”

“. . .but I don’t know if I’m going to move. . .”

“. . .or tomorrow or whenever is convenient for you to move in, you would pay $44.00 that day and your next payment would be on September first.”

Please, please, I think, be enough information so this random rectum rat gets it.

“I still don’t get what month is free.”

For some strange reason, a Paul McCartney lyric gets lodged and skewed in my head:

Someone’s chewing on my ass
Somebody’s rectum rattin’
Someone’s chewing on my ass
Somebody’s rectum rattin’
Do me a favor, chamber one up and do me in

But instead of counting in the rest of the band, I answer this man who, I’m sure, doesn’t get a lot of concepts.

“July, this current month, is free. August, the next month, is the month you will pay $44.00 for the day you sign a lease.”

Just when I’m thinking it is me, that I’m forgetting one vital element necessary for a conversation to be understood, I hear the man draw in a breath which I’ve heard before when a light flickers to a beam of understanding.

“Oh, so I pay for two months and get July for free.”

It is now clear the missing element is for someone on the listening side to have the rudimentary skill of life.

I’m convinced I’m conversing with a decedent who hasn’t received the coroners report. And, before he passes to the great beyond, it is his quest to chew the souls of those still hating.

“Sir, if you want a unit all you have to do is give me $44.00 and then, if you want to continue your tenancy with us, in the month of September, you’ll pay another $44.00 and continue that until the good lord has an opening for you or you want to vacate.”

“I still don’t know if I’m understanding.”

“I know.”

I didn’t mean to say that but if it’s not my job to point out the obvious I’d be unemployed. So, because I’ve learned if you continue talking after insulting someone, especially with someone who wouldn’t understand the concept of toast, they don’t even notice.

“Is there anything you think I can tell you to help you understand the concept of a free month? I’ve told you July is the free month. I’ve explained that August is the month you will pay for so July gets to be that lucky free month. I’ve explained that all I need from you to move in is $44.00. I’m sure it’s me and that, being in the great beyond and all, the telephone reception may not be so clear, so is there anything, anything at all, I can tell you to facilitate the rapid completion of this soul sucking endeavor?”

There’s a long pause where I swear I hear St. Peter calling, ‘Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two.’ before the guy says,

“No, I think I get it. I get July for free and pay two months.”

“Sir, it is your prerogative to pay as many months as you’d like.” If you can’t beat ’em hire someone who can.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. When can I move in?”

“Tomorrow.” I say looking at the clock noticing that in sixty-eight minutes I begin my two days off. “Yes, tomorrow will be a perfect day for you to move in. For me.”

For my boss? Well, he’s a big boy.