About a month ago (I see most tenants every month or so when they pay) this guy came in all flustered because he believed his wife was lying to him about when she left their house.
The fact he also believed she was trip wiring the garage (the location he entered the house) to warn her when he got home (wouldn’t the garage door opening do that?) will bring you up to speed on this guy.
Being the type of person I am, I decided to assuage his paranoia by giving him a couple of tips to find out if his delusions were true.
Regarding leaving the house: After figuring out she could only pull out of the driveway one way, I told him to buy a cheap watch, set the proper time, make sure it’s fully wound and place it under her tire. When she rolls over it the hands will stop at the time she left.
Regarding the trip wire: I told him to open the garage door and, before driving or stepping in, spray a line of silly string into the garage. If there is indeed a wire above the ground the silly string will hang in the air.
He leaves happy and I promptly forget we’ve had this discussion.
He comes in today pissed because my ideas didn’t help him. As a matter of fact, they were a hindrance. At first, I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Then, after being reminded, I started laughing because he was stupid enough to go through with it. I told him I figured he’d think about it, realize he was overreacting and my ideas were, like always, pretty damn stupid.
“Yeah, well, what does that make me?”
“A dumber shit than I?” So I went to my desk to get a couple things I keep handy for occasions like this. I figured the way this story was going he was deserving of both.
He nods and tells me the full story. It turns out the watch bit didn’t work due to no fault of mine. I interrupted during his telling of the story because I had to ask one question. To which he responded,
“A watch with hands? What’s that?”
Turns out he’d purchased a digital watch. Yeah, that probably won’t work. Here’s your legally stupid certificate!
As far as being pissed about the silly string it seems that was also his fault. It seems that when he didn’t find any wires he couldn’t believe it. So he began to spray the entire garage with silly string.
Which, I am sure by his retelling of the story, would still be going on if his wife hadn’t come into the garage and asked, in no uncertain words, what the hell he was doing.
“She’s screaming. I’m looking around at my garage when it finally hit me, why was I taking the advice of a guy who writes comedy?”
I told him it was probably the same reason as everyone else.
“They’ve finally graduated.” I say while bestowing upon him his Densa diploma.