Mixed Messages

I was sitting in a bus minding my own business. As if that alone doesn’t scream ‘fiction’ I assure you, it is not. I was quietly listening to the music that was being shoved into my ear hole and staring blithely into the ether.

Then something moved into my sight line. And it flummoxed me. Not that I hadn’t seen it’s ilk before but I was not usually befuddled when coming across it.

It was ass advertising. Words, phrases, the backside bon mots that are so prevalent in today’s society.

And I don’t like it. You can’t plaster some letters on your posterior and force me to believe it’s gospel. That’s like giving yourself a nickname.

“Hey guys, from here on out I want to be called The Expediter! ‘Cause I always deliver!”

“What if we just called you The Expired? ‘Cause once we beat your head in with this collection of truncheons that’ll have a better chance of sticking.”

But it’s also the distraction. Am I ogling girls or doing flash cards for a spelling bee?

But I’m not thinking about that with what’s happening in front of me. What I’m thinking is,

“Nah! I must be wrong. There’s no fucking way her ass says that.”

But I’ll tell you, until very near the end of my ride, I truly thought her ass read Ample Butt.

So, with that bounding around my skull, this collection of words got stuck.

So many words and phrases
bombard us through the day.
A slick ad here, two flyers there.
They’re virtually everywhere.

But one place should be sacred.
A single place that’s left alone.
You don’t need words on asses
so leave your buttocks alone.

Readin’s for books and obscure foreign movies.
We ain’t here for learnin’ just a quick look.
Nothin’ too long just your ass while it’s movin’.
So do us a favor and leave your buttocks alone.

Girl watchin’s been here since Jesus
was out slaying pterodactyls.
So you know it’s got his blessin’
just like blow jobs and anal sex.

You may think your ass is juicy,
sexy, fierce, or too hot for you
but truth be told it’s a nuisance
distracting attention from you.

Readin’s for books and obscure foreign movies.
We ain’t here for learnin’ just a quick look.
Nothin’ too long just your ass while it’s movin’.
So do us a favor and leave your buttocks alone.

Don’t think I’m being selfish
I’m trying to help you too.
Sometimes your words gets mixed.
It happened to me, it’s true.

She’s bending over, squatting down
So I’m trying to take a peek
but her ass words were confusing
so I stared like a perverted freak.

She was trying to say Apple Butt
but in her folds and indentations
it sure looked like Ample to me.
So heed my words before you strut
make sure your ass is all ad free.

Readin’s for books and obscure foreign movies.
We ain’t here for learnin’ just a quick look.
Nothin’ too long just your ass while it’s movin’.
So do us a favor and leave your buttocks alone.

7 responses to “Mixed Messages

  1. Religiousandright

    HOW DARE YOU?????????????????

    Not only is your post sexist and condoning sexual harassment you DARE to use the name of Our Lord as if He would approve of such aberrant behaviors! I can assure you He opposes such sick behaviors.

    As far as your ‘Biblical’ realities you must go back to the Bible to correct your absurd hypothesis. But, having a very good idea of what type of person you are, you don’t even own a Bible. So I’ll make it easy for you to learn something about Our Lord:

    http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/93-dinosaurs-and-the-bible

    You should be ashamed and take down this post, if not this entire web site, to repent.

    • I can see how that might warrant a religious jihad. After all this is the Teabagger’s big day in Nashville. With the mention of both blow jobs and Jesus in the same verse it just about covers their platform.

      Also, I love that part of the Christian Courier website page referenced appears to be done in crayon.

  2. I was going to ask, “How the fuck do these people find me?” But I answered my own question by checking the searches. I found ‘Jesus dinosaurs’ as a search query. Guess they don’t have enough to fret over. They’ve got to go out and find things to twist their tunics in a bunch.

    So I guess that leaves my question, “Why the fuck do these people find me?”

  3. Yeah, yeah…repent you blaspheming cretin ! But, then again, how would “J” react if he saw the same side show on the bus ? The mind quivers with possibilities !

  4. “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

    —Gandhi

  5. We have a product that actually the Bill of Rights printed on the seat of the pants. Thanks for trying to ruin our business.

  6. Hey! How’d my photo get up there on that comment? Damn!!!!!

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