Believer

I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist. Sure, I’m positive Sasquatch raped Marilyn Monroe and that’s how we got Robin Williams but, other than that, shit sucks enough to consider the evils men in secluded bunkers are planning or hiding or planning on hiding after they get funding.

But that may have all changed today.

You’ve witnessed the many witlesses I encounter in a day. I do so with, if I don’t mind saying myself, a modicum of aplomb. I don’t get flustered, bullied, or otherwise effected by this endless series of questionable uses of shoe leather.

But I must now admit something is amiss.

The only conclusion I’ve come up with is that a cabal of cabalians has an underground bunker directly under where I spend most of my hours and they have been releasing, slowly at first, but now much more steadily, a cadre of morons, psychopaths, and mental defectives directly into my daily path.

And I think I found door they use for their attack.

I was walking towards a strip mall, grocery store, drug store, empty store type, when I heard someone beeping their car horn vigorously. Now we all know I don’t respond to such activities and think less of the honking bastard.

Sensing that, the beeping beeper called my name.

I turned around and, lamely, I’ll admit, offered a smirk and condescending wave. While doing this I heard a barking. Dog barking specifically. It was emitting from the little covered area between the grocery and drug stores. I think it odd there would be a dog there.

Even odder when the barker turned out to be a man.

Yes, human. I’m not saying one of the better specimens but, still, humanoid in appearance. Not Sasquatch/Monroe offspring hairy. Not even as hirsute as your average pizza parlor owner. I would have thought him your run of the mill denizen of this conurbation.

If it weren’t for the damn barking.

Even his movements were vaguely dog-like. Jutting, lurching, bobbing his way directly in front of me. This is when it occurred to me that conspiracy theorists must be on to something.

This shit just doesn’t happen naturally.

I’m thinking of all the conspiracy theories I’ll have to research for the rest of my days while this guy stood in front of me barking. I looked at him for a moment. I mean, what would you do? This isn’t something you get to see every day. I also did something else you don’t get to do every day. I got to look another man directly in the face and scream,

“DOWN!”

Now you’d think that would be as odd as it could get. But then you don’t live at the end of the acerebral assembly line. At my command he backed away and began whimpering. He reared back on his haunches (I never contemplated that was a human possibility but now that I live in conspiracyville, everything’s possible!), growled half-heartedly and bolted past me.

Where he commenced barking while running through the parking lot.

I continued into the grocery store and saw this woman standing at the automatic door staring in utter disbelief. I know that’s what she was staring in because that’s what she said as I smiled and walked past.

“You won’t say that much longer if you keep hanging around here.”