We stopped for bite last night. It was going fairly well. By that I mean there was an entertaining group at the end so I got to sit there, eat, and watch the basketball game.
Until.
Possibly taking my silent chewing and staring straight ahead as a sign of loneliness, a guy decided to talk to me. I will say, in his defense, I wasn’t the first person he chose. I will also say that, proving what a damaged sort he is, he winnowed his way to me.
He was your typical gung-ho, young salesman type. The kind of kid who’ll, with no irony whatsoever, use the phrase, “Location, location, location.” To a gentleman who stated (loudly enough to reach my ear) that he’d owned his own business for many years and wasn’t in the market for a sales lecture.
“Hey, you come here often?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s nice, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s my first time here.”
Not being a question I feel no need to respond. I’m not the fucking welcome wagon. I’m not PR for this place. I’m not someone people should randomly begin conversations with. Not that people know that. At first.
“Food’s good here, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“What do you suggest?”
“Leaving me the fuck alone.”
I must admit to relishing the moment when people get up in arms whenever I respond like that. Truly, I don’t understand why they get upset. I didn’t invite them to my ear space. I’m not being loquacious in any way, shape, or form. I’ve not even turned my head in their general direction.
I’m sorry, where I come from those are signals.
“You don’t have to be rude. I was just trying to make conversation.”
The defense of those who cannot shut the fuck up.
“Why is it,” I say turning my chair towards him. “I, the person being invaded by inane and meaningless conversation from someone who hasn’t had an original thought since the first time he reached for his momma’s tit, am considered rude? Since when is it rude to be sitting quietly bothering no one with sound or deed? Or is it rude because you expect, due to some divine right, anyone who happens to be within earshot to become a willing participant in your blabbering?”
It’s not like I try to cause psychic damage to itinerate talkers in the world.
It’s more like my divine right.
14 responses so far ↓
betme // March 20, 2008 at 10:37 am |
“Leaving me the fuck alone.”
Twisted, I love it. I need to grow a set of balls and give this response. Maybe, I could sit by you (silently of course) and let you slam their silly egos for me.
boundandgags // March 20, 2008 at 10:49 am |
I do phone consults!
But, stay tuned because tomorrow on these very shores we may have a solution.
This engagement got me to thinking so right now we’re hardly at work to alleviate the need to engage this nitwits.
Wendy // March 20, 2008 at 4:54 pm |
I couldn’t agree with you more. And THIS is why people in Texas, and outside of New England for that matter, don’t like me.
becky // March 20, 2008 at 5:04 pm |
B&G — Please break it Wendy gently, that from hanging with us, there are not too many people left in New England who still like her either. Then maybe cheer her up with the fact that we like her on alternating weekends and holidays and for two weeks every summer.
CuriousC // March 21, 2008 at 9:49 am |
Where WERE you? In a small town in the Midwest? It’s funny how you attract small-talkers… Maybe you were sitting in a coffee shop reading an Einstein bio?
Lucky // March 21, 2008 at 2:11 pm |
GAWD I wish I had your balls. I had awkward airport conversation. So annoying.
boundandgags // March 21, 2008 at 3:12 pm |
> Where WERE you? In a small town in the Midwest?
In a small restaurant North of Boston. The guy was from out of town if that helps.
When I teach humor I always mention fearlessness. You have to trust your words and have the ability to stand up for them. Most people do the ‘I wished I’d said’ in situations where I’ll say.
I know the way the words are strung together will be funny, but, comedy is subjective. It may not be funny to the target but it will be to another audience.
I let situations unfold and counter accordingly. And 99% of the time no one walks away with their feelings hurt (okay, maybe 97%). Then there are the occasions I’m able to turn it. So that’s what I use.
I think the number of people I deal with on a daily basis forces my usable percentage to skyrocket. If I deal with 10o people a day, even at 1%, I should have something to turn every day.
As far as it happening during my time off, my girlfriend tends to be more sociable than I. So I often sit there without human encumbrance (a very pleasant situation for me) and, as we’ve come to learn, that often leads to someone thinking I’m up for grabs. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being grabbed.
becky // March 21, 2008 at 5:14 pm |
Hmmm…depends on the grabber, and the actual body part being grabbed…shit that was a rhetorical question!
Wendy // March 21, 2008 at 11:46 pm |
@ Becky – I already knew that.
moonbeammcqueen // March 22, 2008 at 3:08 am |
My heroes: Gandhi, MLK, John Lennon, and you. These are the best lines ever in the history of the universe, or at least today.
“Why is it,” I say turning my chair towards him. “I, the person being invaded by inane and meaningless conversation from someone who hasn’t had an original thought since the first time he reached for his momma’s tit, am considered rude? Since when is it rude to be sitting quietly bothering no one with sound or deed? Or is it rude because you expect, due to some divine right, anyone who happens to be within earshot to become a willing participant in your blabbering?”
boundandgags // March 22, 2008 at 7:52 am |
> @ Becky – I already knew that.
That’s why I didn’t bother to tell her. People like us already know the truth.
> My heroes: Gandhi. . .
Dead guy.
> . . .MLK. . .
Dead guy.
> . . .John Lennon. . .
Dead guy.
> . . .and you.
Oh, this does not bode well.
becky // March 22, 2008 at 12:17 pm |
Maybe you should be extra careful, don’t tempt fate, don’t walk under any ladders, avoid the #13, throw lots of salt over your shoulder…stay away from black cats…oops! Sorry, I think you’re a goner!
boundandgags // March 22, 2008 at 12:31 pm |
I knew Brutus would be my demise! As we speak, I have a huge cattoo on my hand from this morning. I guess I wasn’t feeding him fast enough.
Wendy // March 23, 2008 at 10:10 pm |
I love the word cattoo. I had a really deep cattoo a couple years ago that wouldn’t stop bleeding.