The Bound & Gags Wonder Blog

Assumptions

November 11, 2009 · 4 Comments

Let’s just start off by saying assumptions are bad and will often get you into trouble.

For example, until I shipped her ass out of town, an ex couldn’t believe that two of my friends, one a mechanic type who looks like an axe murderer, the other a refined, brilliant, world traveler, not only got along but truly liked each other and had a lot in common.

I was standing next to a pregnant friend. We’ve known each other for a long time, she knows what to expect when around me, so was laughing when I said,

“You know when the kids born we’re going to have to build a plywood box or a dozen layers of spackle over that soft spot. You know I just gotta poke that bastard.”

A woman overheard us so had to speak. I won’t bother going into not only listening to the conversations of others but then joining in. That’s an all new potential problem source.

I guess that’s one difference between me and normal people. They have no compunction about joining in on the conversations of others. I don’t get it. Has it ever turned out well for them? It’s never when they interrupt me.

One time I was talking with a traumatic rape detective. We’re having a private conversation over beers. Just a few laughs when a stranger must have taken our frivolity as an invitation.

He sticks his face in and the fun screeches to a halt until the cop says,

“Hey, haven’t I arrested you?”

The guy spies the cops badge and beats a hasty retreat. We’re happy he retreated but I had to ask.

“Nah,” the cop said. “Never met him but it always makes them fuck off.”

The woman was asking all the normal baby questions, gender, health, if it’s the first before asking me,

“Are you going to be in the delivery room?”

“Delivery room? Are you kidding? I wasn’t even in the conception room.”

Although everything I’ve said is true, she’s quite taken aback and begins to tell me something about my bad attitude or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening. I was formulating a plan so horrific the next time this woman, who may be wonderful, I don’t know nor care, thinks long and hard before sticking her face in private conversations ever again.

“I’m just kidding. I was in the conception room.” I pause. She relaxes. Silly woman. Didn’t she ever read Peanuts? “I was the cameraman.”

The woman’s fully flustered. We’re laughing and I can see she’s not sure if we’re crazy or insane. So I decided to get her off that painful fence.

“We’re just kidding. So, let me ask you a question.” When I get that sentence out and notice that she didn’t leave I knew I had to teach her a lesson. “After the baby comes I’m thinking of getting a vasectomy. But I’m worried.”

“There’s nothing to worry about. It’s completely. . .”

“Oh, I’m not worried about getting cut up or not knocking her up. Who needs more mouth-breathing morons.”

I lean in, point back at prego, and whisper, “It’s a good she’s good looking. Dumb as a naked bacon fryer.”

I stand straight, look her in the eyes (What the fuck is she still doing here?) and say,

“I’m concerned after the vasectomy my cum will taste like dead swimmers. You have any knowledge about that?”

She’s leaving as quickly as she can. I figure I can get one last shot across the bow to make sure she never butts in again.

“Hey, it’s all about her! She’s a gagger as it is. I just don’t want it to get worse.”

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FotC Official Site

November 8, 2009 · Leave a Comment

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The Estrogen Files

November 6, 2009 · 5 Comments

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Attention Getter

November 4, 2009 · 5 Comments

A guy is telling me all his important shit and, in the middle, farted. It smelled like a rabid raccoon.

And he just kept talking.

I couldn’t accept the concept that 1) he didn’t excuse himself 2) after fifteen seconds my eyes were still watering.

“Dude,” I said. “I was giving you my full attention you didn’t have to send me an ass gram.”

Would you believe it? He took umbrage.

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So, you wanna. . .

November 1, 2009 · 1 Comment

. . .be a spec screenwriter?

Watch this first.

The ads come at odd times but it’s not horrible. The video will open in another window so make sure to allow it.

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Halloween Songs

October 30, 2009 · 2 Comments

I know you’re scrambling around looking for that perfect song for your Halloween soiree. Look no further. Superblogger and all around odd fellow, Vinnie Rattolle, has taken the pain out of it.

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Mind Reading

October 28, 2009 · 6 Comments

“You should have known what I. . .”

I’ve heard that sentence beginning many time in my life. For as many endings there are (‘wanted’ ‘needed’ ‘meant’ ‘expected’ ‘thought’ ‘was going to do’) it only means one thing,

“You should have read my mind.”

Although I do possess many super powers (including, but not limited to, the ability to pick a melon thirty six minutes before it spoils. The ability to change a light bulb while listening to instructions from the moment I get the chair to the moment I properly dispose of the burned out bulb – home only. At work I can pull out a thirty foot ladder, grab an eight foot bulb, climb the ladder with the bulb, put the bulb in, climb down then put the ladder away without anyone knowing. My DVD’s come out of the player already rewound. I know this sounds like an urban legend, but, I’m not kidding. Every time! I can find every sliver of glass from a broken object except the one someone steps on. And I do this thing with my tongue people always respond to) but mind reading is not one of them.

Huh? What’s that? You want to learn more about that thing with my tongue? Perverts! I’m talking about yelling. People really respond when I yell. Geez, I can’t write you people anywhere.

“You should have known what I. . .”

The conclusion to that sentence is never important, it always means the same thing,

“You should have read my mind.”

When this person, who was quite appalled at my lack of legerdemain, kept pushing her agenda. After her rather angry rant I was allowed a slight pause to interject that she was right.

“I can, in fact, read minds. The problem is I’m dyslexic so it comes out all backwards. In your case, I knew you were going to gather all your family and friends; arrive after closing; knowing I would be here and happy to remain open until you completed your task.”

I pause and smile. I have her full attention. I can tell she’s expecting some compensation, a little repentance, maybe some tearful remorse. So, I continued,

“But, you know dyslexics. It got all jumbled and came out like this: there’s no way she’s stupid enough to assume I’d be in the building after closing, not only that, be willing to stay here for gawd knows how long without getting paid.”

I’m going to tell you something not many people know. I actually am a little psychic. As a matter of fact, I’m having a little spell right now.

I predict, in the very near future, there will be another very vivid letter of complaint in my personnel folder.

And it will be from this woman!

It really is scary when I do that, isn’t it?

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Baseball Vs. Football

October 27, 2009 · Leave a Comment

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Thank You, Masked Man

October 26, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Yes, I’ve been on vacation.

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A Positive Story

October 25, 2009 · Leave a Comment

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